I was dealing with some potential embarrassment the other day; I had brunch with an older, wiser woman with whom I’d not had a heart to heart in a very long time. We were laying our recent personal growths & awareness points on the table from the last year or so, & I confessed to not only ending a relationship with a suspected addict in deep denial but facing my own issues about it all, addiction, denial, codependency, etc. etc. I had been working through it slowly & that was one of the reasons for the drifting apart. Her response in regards to him was the same as everyone else, “You mean you did not know?”
She knew. Apparently everyone else knew just from observation. No. That’s what I am talking about. I knew something was very, VERY wrong & very, VERY different, but I did not know. I did not know what his addiction was – maybe it was money, drugs, alcohol, sex, women, fame, work, who knows?! I knew, but I did not know. Perhaps I chose not to know? Maybe it was easier to join him on those fun days when we were totally there for each other in complete abandon & just not care about what was wrong, because after all, that is all he was around for. When it got rocky was when I asked too many questions or expected too much. After all, he wasn’t the first dysfunctional person with a habit that I’d met. We all have hang-ups. A good match is when you can accept not tolerate the other person. He seemed to function, until he did not. He seemed lucid, until he wasn’t. He was present, until he didn’t show up. He told the truth, until his lies or delusions were bigger. I don’t mean to sound like I am blaming or bashing him; I am to fault as well because obviously it takes two to tango & I let it happen. But what sucks about dancing with a partner like this is they blame you (me) for getting the steps wrong. And I’m a pretty good dancer.
Just like all the others before, I started to realize this wasn’t about me not measuring up, this was something I could not help with. These were demons that were older & bigger than me. I knew exactly what these looked like. My demons showed up from time to time, taunting me, teasing me, inviting me to just give in & be free & live life on my own fucking terms, who cares, right? But when I throw all caution to the wind, these crazy demons, man, they are like dragons without reins & they’ll take you on a ride for your life! The trick to taming your dragon is learning how to rein it in & manage it, on your own terms. Respect it, so it will respect you. Understand why it behaves in such a way, so you can nurture it properly & master it, instead of having it act like a defiant child overtaking the classroom. Yes, I am referring to our Shadow side; our demons, dragons, Bete Noir, we all have a dark beast to feed within our selves.
Invite your dragon to tea & make peace with it. There is a reason it wants your attention. One cannot deny this side of Self; the trick is to acknowledge it is there because if you repress it, it will be your demise. It will make you sick. Bring it out into the Light & you heal. So, when I recognized mine, I continued to heal. And others shrank back, their dragons howling & flapping with them, unable to deal with that. Not everybody can handle someone outgrowing them.
And which He am I really referring to anyway? It could be any of them. So I laugh when somebody says “Oh your poor girl, you’ve had such bad luck with men!” I laugh because I think to myself, “Are you kidding me? I am so lucky!”
And so all this was going on inside my head as I looked up & across the table at my brunch companion & said, “It took me awhile but I finally woke up”. She nodded in affirmation & we both sipped our tea in silence.
Yes. I woke up & realized my worth, & in the process, tamed my dragon.
In love & light,
Founder of Soul Nourishing, LLC